The Myth of the Third Child

All of my best ideas occur to me in the shower. Perhaps it is the relaxation of the hot water or washing away the cares of the day, or maybe it's just because it's the only time all day that I'm really truly alone. And by alone I mean no one is physically sharing the same space as me. Of course there are several shower interruptions ( A new species perhaps? Genus:"Showerus Interruptus?) within the course of my 15 minutes of alone time, and of course all of them are incredibly urgent and of the utmost importance.

A Typical Shower: A Play in 15 Minutes (with stage directions)

Enter two year old
Loudly bangs on the door
Mother shuts off water

Maya: "Mommy tub-tub? Mommy tub-tub? Maya tub-tub too??"
Mother:  lovingly and patiently "Yes Maya, Mommy is taking a shower, and no you can't take one right now. Mommy is very busy."
Maya: Why??
Mother: Because the water is hot, I need to wash
Maya: Why?
Mother: Because we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal."
Maya: .....Why?
 5 minutes pass


Enter 6 year old
Bangs on door 
Mother shuts off water

Ellie: urgently: "Mooommmmm, Maya has my princess toy and won't share with meeeeeee....."
Mother: still lovingly and patiently: "You have a million princess toys, I'm sure you can find several to share"

5 minutes pass

Enter 6 year old and 2 year old
Both bang on door
Mother shuts off water. Again.

Maya and Ellie (with baby screaming in background): Mooommmmmmmmyyyyyyyy???
Maya and Ellie:  can I have a sugar snack??? Num-Nums??

Mother: no longer patient *SIGH*


My concept of alone time has altered greatly since I've become a mother. My brilliant idea of the day: water proof headphones that filter out any sentence that begin with Mom and doesn't end with "gushing blood, fire, or dying".

Musings of the day:

Several mother's of my acquaintance swear that their third child was their "easy child". This mythological child is supposed to be quiet, easy to manage, sleep through the night from day one, in fact this child is every mother's dream come true (until the hormones kick in at puberty, then it's a whole new ball game). Apparently Kiki missed the memo about the "third child perfection gene". Granted she has only been out of the womb for approximately 6 weeks now, and it isn't quite fair to judge her yet. But so far, she definitely doesn't sleep through the night and her lungs are exceptionally healthy and she exercises them quite vigorously on a daily basis. The poor child also seems to be suffering from a bit of colic and reflux; so again, I can't blame her for the enthusiasm of her screaming or the lack of a regular sleeping schedule. The projectile vomiting is also quite impressive. I was under the impression that Maya was quite gifted in the spitting up arena; in fact we called her Mount Vesuvius until she was 9 months old. But if Maya was Mt. Vesuvius, then Kiki is Pompeii. All the small people dumb enough to make their home near her would have been buried under an awe inspiring flow of lukewarm spit up. She is always armed and dangerous. Sounds much more impressive when you're talking about volcanic ash and lava, but I think I made my point. The kid is talented. And we change clothes. Alot.

I have also come to the conclusion that Kiki is going to be a female body builder when she grows up. Perhaps it is just the proud mother in me, but the child just seems really strong for her age.  She seems to object to being held normally in my arms as she constantly tries to jump up and out of them. She then gets irrationally angry when she hits herself on my head or collarbone (try explaining to a 6 week old that it’s her fault that she’s hurt). When she’s in the middle of one of her infant temper tantrums, she is known to pull my hair, pinch me and scratch me. Sounds like she has the makings of a world class wrestler, I should start calling the networks now. Or maybe she could be an Olympic pole vaulter. Personally I think female body builders and wrestlers are kind of, well, gross. But I guess it works, whatever pays the bills. Maybe she can go into construction or just be a really really muscular doctor. But maybe it would be nice if I postponed deciding her future until she can roll over.

Thankfully God must have taken pity on me and realized that if I couldn't have the perfect third child, he would inspire my eldest child to become a house keeper extraordinaire and exceptionally helpful. And I am not complaining in the slightest. Ellie has decided that it is her job to be my helper and has taken to folding my laundry, putting away toys, cleaning her room, etc. And it is all completely voluntarily. Today she was literally begging and pleading me to sweep and mop the floors. I am a very lucky woman and some day she is going to make some man very very happy. Granted she isn't an angel 24/7 and is still prone to her whining fits and fighting with Maya, but I really lucked out. Now I just have to figure out how make this miracle a daily ocurrance.

On a completely and totally random note, did anyone know that there is such thing as a Jewish Reggae artist? I have discovered (at 3 am with a screaming baby) that yes, there is such as thing. Apparently Matisyahu is a Hasidic Jew who actually had a Top 40 hit. We live in a very random world.

I also discovered that:

1. Listening to my iPod on shuffle at 3 am (this happens to be Kiki's favorite time of day)  helps me to stay awake while trying to calm the mythical perfect third child. And I have very random taste in music. Going from Hanson (yes I still listen to them), to the Jewish Rapper to Toby Keith to Nelly to Hello Dolly to the Hush Sound is guaranteed to keep anyone awake. (Thank you to Rosita for this most helpful hint)
2. Coffee+ Cleaning + Coffee+ Dousing my face with cold water repeatedly+ more coffee= staying awake after a long night which is utterly imperative because a two year old cannot be left unsupervised for longer than 2 seconds.
3. Chocolate solves almost every problem.

Why? Because it's Freedom from Facebook...

After suffering in (partial) silence, from the censorship and injustice of the 420 character limit on Facebook's statuses, I have decided to exercise my right of freedom of speech. No longer will I be limited to a tiny corner of  Facebook cyberspace, no longer will I have to edit out the most interesting words of a long thought process, and no longer will my friends be involuntarily subjected to my ramblings on their newsfeeds. So there. My Declaration of Independence From Facebook Statuses (although I suppose I just sold my soul to blogspot.com)

Originally I had planned on declaring to the facebook world my thoughts on 2 year olds and their never ending (always frustrating) "why's". But I found that there was no way on God's green earth that I could adequately express all of my genius ideas in such a limited space. And then *ding* the light bulb goes off; they have those wonderful things called blogs! So welcome to my first foray into the world of blogging, I hear it's addictive. I can't promise it will be fantastic, but it will definitely entertain me and hopefully help me retain my sense of humor while dealing with my children.

2 year olds have such a beautiful sense of wonder and interest in the world around them. Nothing escapes their notice. Everything from a flying bird to a leaf on the ground to a dead worm laying in a puddle (true story) is utterly and completely fascinating. All of the mundane things that adults pass by every single day capture the imagination and attention of a two year old. And every single little detail is inevitably accompanied by the questions: "Why", "Whass-at" or "Huh" (repeat a million times).

 Normally I patiently try to answer Maya's (my two year old) every question. But I have come to the conclusion that she doesn't entirely understand the function of the word "why" in the first place. I think she thinks the word is more of conversation filler and a way to keep the conversation ball rolling so to speak. So her lack of comprehension has both positive and negative effects. On a happy note, she never really expects a rational answer to her questions. But in that same vein, she is never satisfied with any answer you give her (rational or irrational).


Today her normally patient mommy lost her patience. After Maya began her litany of "why", followed closely by "huh", I just started answering every question with "because the sky is blue." Surprisingly, she seemed to accept that answer and the chorus of "whys" seemed to end. For about 2 minutes. Since this experiment has been met with (limited) success I plan on repeating it tomorrow, but for my sanity's sake, I will vary my responses:

• Why? Because pi= 3.14
• Why? Because i before e except after c
• Why? Because four score and seven years our fore fathers...
• Why? Stop Drop and Roll
• Why? Yes
• Why? Because 30 Days Hath September
• Why? (it's inevitable) Because I said so...

No worries though, eventually I will stop torturing the poor child and give her a logical answer. But it's amusing to think about in the mean time

If you made it this far, congratulations. I am truly long winded and have a very difficult time knowing when to shut up (both in person and when writing). They should hand out awards to people who wade though half coherent blogs. But I feel much better, many people have said that writing a blog is very therapeutic, and after tossing around all those jumbled thoughts and ideas, I feel much improved.